Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I have demons in me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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