Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
