So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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