my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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