what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
