Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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