I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
