If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
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