my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
