I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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