He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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