Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
