woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
