A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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