Cold hands, warm shart.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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