I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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