who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
