I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
