I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
