if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
