I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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