i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
