Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
