I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
