If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
