I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
