if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
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