mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
