Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
