My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize