Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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