Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You're a waste of cheezeits
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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