my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you would pick up someone in the library
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
