i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize