My girlfriend figured out who you are.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
A bitchslap is in order.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
