Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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