if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just googled if crying burns calories
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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