this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
