Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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