Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
