Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize