i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
