'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
