You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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