Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
