he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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