Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
