I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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