matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
