if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
All I want is dick and wine.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
