Kiss
Puke
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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