6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
