He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
