my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
