I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
