your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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