we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
