Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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