I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
