If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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